Being "The Black Girl"

I’m sure a lot of people weren’t quite sure how to feel when they saw the title of this post. Don’t worry, though. This is just what I do. I talk about my personal experiences. You know that by now if you’ve read one of my blogs before. Nevertheless, this particular post, is very hard for me to write. Because this is a deep, personal, and sort of uncomfortable thing to write about. But this has to be said. It has to be discussed. I was going to just not publish this blog post and come up with something else to write about. But hey, I wrote about being a Christian, modesty, suicide, and just about everything else, so why not mention the obvious?

This time, we’re going to go a little bit deeper. If you get offended easily, or you just don’t like hearing/reading about racial issues, I highly suggest that you just wait until January 2015 to read my next post.

 On the contrary, if you’re interested in what I have to say on the matter, then let’s get started.

In the beginning, there was Gabrielle. A little girl who loved school, mostly art class, and who had no idea what was out there in the world. Sure, Gabrielle learned about civil rights, slavery, segregation, and everything else attached to the history of her people, but she had no idea that the world was still programed to discriminate against color.

Honestly, I thought that everything ended once slavery did. I thought that everyone would just get along and live in one big happy world. But nope. That’s not the way things went down.

After I learned about slavery, I learned that there were the Jim Crow laws, segregation, riots, marches, so on and so forth. So did everything stop then? No, it did not.

In today’s world, some are just openly racist. It’s sad, really. We’re all humans, no matter the gender or race. And let’s just get one thing straight right now: the racial issue is not just with whites discriminating against blacks. It could be vice versa. Trust me, I’ve met a few blacks who just hate white people. And it’s so silly to me, because they don’t even have to know that person and they just hate them because of their race. Like, seriously? “Oh, you know white people.” Like um, I don’t know that white person. Do you? No.

Racism can even exist with other races or cultures. There are people who hate Asians, or even Hispanics for no reason. Why is this even necessary?

It really saddens me. If some people weren’t so racist, then things in the world would work a whole lot smoother. It’s a beautiful things when different people from diverse cultures and backgrounds come together. Truly, it is. If I had three wishes, I would wish that everyone could just get along, and ignore the racial stereotypes and everything. Love is color blind. If someone black wants to be friends with someone white, they shouldn’t have to go through the whole thing with their family and black friends saying things like, “Why are you friends with a white person?” HONESTLY. Stop it. And as you can imagine, I fully support interracial couples. Those people must have to go through a lot to be in love. I mean, you’d think that in today’s world the public would accept two different people being together. I actually know real people who are quicker to accept a homosexual couple, as supposed to an interracial one. We’ll talk more about later. Right now, I’m going to tell you about my personal experiences. Which have led me to write this, by the way.

So back when I was in public school, (the good old days…I’m being sarcastic. I hated it) most of my classmates were African American. Therefore, I never really felt left out because of my race. I felt left out because of being myself, but never for the color of my skin. The only racist experience I’ve had growing up, was when I would go into the grocery store, and people would steer their shopping carts the other way once they saw I was in the aisle they needed to go to. Of course after I left the aisle, they would go to get what they needed. That always hurt. But I learned to live with it.

Soon after I was home schooled for a while, I was surrounded by mostly whites. I mean, of course I was. Finding black teens who are homeschooled is pretty rare. For me and where I live, anyway. And the ones that I did meet, we’re very inappropriate. Sad, but true.

I was totally fine with not being a part of the majority. I actually learned to get used to it. It had its upsides, of course. Most of my white friends made me feel really special when I decided to go natural. Which was pretty strange, since my black friends didn’t. I got remarks from my black friends like, “I liked it better straight.” And “When are you getting your hair done again?” or “It looks nappy.”

It’s thick, beautiful, fluffy and curly, thank you very much.

Then of course we had the dreadful times of when my friends could use the same color powder, same brand lipstick and everything else, while I had to bring my own. I got used to that too. I just made sure to bring my Black Radiance with me.

Then there was that upsetting fact that my white friends could share ideas for hairstyles, while I was just sitting there awkwardly like, oh don’t worry about me. I’ll just go home and look up natural hair styles on Youtube by myself. Sigh.

Then there was the whole racial interrogation. Where I would get racial stereotypical questions like, “Do you like rap music?” and “Do you like fried chicken?”

Maybe the people who have asked me these questions never meant to offend me, but it offended me nevertheless. I was also asked if I liked Beyonce, which I figured was just a regular question since everyone likes Beyonce now. I don’t know if it’s always been that way, but yeah…I have no comment.

Also, there were those extremely awkward questions like, “How did you get your hair like that?” and “Did you get a haircut?” Everyone who knows me, knows that I would never ever get a haircut.

 *Taylor Swift voice* like…ever.

It’s the shrinkage. Literally, it’s the shrinkage. I hate shrinkage. It’s a natural hair thing.

That about does it for the small things. Now here are the big things.

Boys.

I know right? I don’t think I can go one post without talking about boys. Wait, I’ve done it once, I just can’t remember when it was. I love boys, okay? Now, I was boy crazy for about one minute when I was 14. I will admit that now. But for the most part, everything that was going on with me in that category was totally normal. I mean, what kind of a teenage girl would I be if I wasn’t crushing on someone new every few months? The longest time I’ve ever crushed on a guy was like a year and a half. And that’s a long time in Gabrielle time, okie dokie? I normally don’t like a guy longer than 3 months before he does something super jerk-like, and then I have to move on. No one likes a jerk. Anyway, let’s get down to it.

Obviously, I’m kind of different. I really wish that I wasn’t sometimes, but I am. I’m totally not bragging, because I used to literally get on my knees and pray and beg God to make me normal. So yeah.

But since I’m so different, I have a different taste. In music; I do not know one R&B song. Maybe I do, but I’m almost sure I don’t. Watch all the black people shake their heads at me. I don’t care, I’d rather listen to Daughtry and Fall Out Boy. Told you my taste was different. Who goes from listening to pop, to religious, to indie, and then rock?

 This girl.

In clothes; you already know how modest I am. Sorry, not sorry. Don’t worry, a few years from now when I have my kick butt clothing line, and I’m on the cover of every other magazine, everyone will see my vision differently. I assure you.

And of course, in boys. I used to not think about boys at all. I just figured that I didn’t have to worry. I thought my love life would be like a movie, and “the one” would just come floating past me one day with the label, “Gabrielle’s future husband” taped across his forehead. But I’m 16 now, and turns out, I actually have to go out there and get my heart broken over and over again before I find the one I’m supposed to be with forever. Like, what is this? Ugh, and boys these days. I wish I could just make my own future husband. Well, technically my perfect husband material is already out there. I love you Ashton Irwin.

My taste is boys is just simply whatever. I do prefer them to be my height or taller. Preferably taller. Boys who are 6 feet and over are very important. All teenage girls know this.

And of course, they have to treat me like the prize that I am or it’s on to the next one. Did you notice anything about this description? I didn’t put what race I like. Because I. don’t. care. They all get a chance! Cheers for the all the boys who like me. Wait, there are none. And honestly, I meant what I said, race doesn’t matter to me. Because love is color blind, remember. But I will admit, I do tend to go for white guys most of the time. (Didn’t think I’d admit it, did you? Well I beat you to it! Ha!) Let me explain why:

When I was around mostly African American guys, they called me ugly, fat and the b word. Oh and they didn’t find me attractive because I don’t have a big butt. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I was called “Paper Plate Butt”. I was also told that I wasn’t black enough. I remember one guy told me that he might as well be talking to a white girl. Like, how am I not “black enough”? Do you see melanin in my skin?  Honestly.

And when I was around mostly white guys, they treated me nicer (most of the time). Literally, all the white guy friends I’ve ever had will just let me talk and talk until my head explodes and find everything I find so interesting. While on the other hand, most black guys would tell me that I talk too much. That’s just my personal experience, okay? Okay.

So there we have it, why Gabrielle likes white boys. I can’t believe I just typed that. Don’t get me wrong, if I ever met a nice black who met my standards and didn’t treat me like a piece of dirt that he scraped off the bottom of his shoe, then I’d totally give him a chance. I really would. Because it’s the hard knock life for a black girl who likes white guys, let me tell ya. I’ve been through so much stuff because of this. And the sad thing is, I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to like whoever the heck I want to. Everyone should. What was that? It couldn’t be that bad, you say? Well, allow me to enlighten you.

The first time I ever liked a white guy was when I was in elementary school. We were so little, the only thing we knew was the alphabet and how to count to 10. The two of us always held hands and sat together where ever we went. He would always telling me how pretty I was, and kiss me on the cheek. Good times. Good innocent times.

Flash forwards a few years later, I see him playing basketball on the blacktop. I walk up to him eventually, assuming he would be happy to see me. He was at first, but then this blonde girl comes out of nowhere and just stands beside him. She asks the boy who I was and he simply replies, “I don’t know.” Ouch. It still hurts, just writing about it.

Now I’m going to tell you about another random situation that happened earlier this year.

So not that long ago, there was this guy. I liked this guy for a few months, but I didn’t tell anyone. Not my friends, not anyone. I don’t even think I told my mom, and I tell my mom everything. Especially when it comes to boys. But I didn’t really have to urge to tell anyone about this. I thought that it was just a small crush and that it would go away with time. It didn’t. Basically, I found out that this guy liked me too, but when my friend (who is white) found out about it, she sabotaged it. Some friend you are. I’m telling you, there is nothing more dangerous than a fake friend, regardless of the race and gender.

So maybe I said something weird and out of proportion in this post, but you have to remember that I'm only 16 years old. Even though I'd like to think that I'm mature for my age, I'm still learning things and changing and growing. I know that haven't even been through half of the ups and downs that will occur in my life yet, and that's okay. I'm ready for them. I just thought that I'd share my experiences with you...so far. Until next year!

 

 

The Misadventures of the Modern Day Christian Girl

Sometimes I get so tired of hearing about how "messed up" my generation is. It's literally all I hear people talk about. And every once in a while, I have to stop myself from doing the same. I find it very funny how some adults, (not all of course) just talk badly about today's teens like its their job. It makes no sense to me. I mean think about it; all adults have been teenagers before. They've had rebellious phases, missed curfew, or failed a math test. I wish they would just remember those times and be able to relate and guide us from their experiences. I mean,  we've all made mistakes. We're only human.  And we learn from our mistakes. We all go through those crazy years of being a know-it-all tween, and we all go through those weird, fun, and slightly uncomfortable teenage years. And we all have had different experiences. And in this blog post, I will tell you about my experiences not just as a normal teenage girl, but as a Christian girl.

*cool, upbeat, and totally epic theme music*

These are the Misadventures of the Modern Day Christian Girl

*music fades out because its about to get serious*

"Hello. My name is Gabrielle. I'm 16 years old, I love listening to rock music and I'm home schooled. Oh and did I mention? I'm a Christian, too."

I can only imagine the kind of reaction I would get if I introduced myself like this. There are so many questions; if you're Christian, why do you listen to rock music? There's the whole home schooled questionnaire. And of course, the facial expression will read, "gasp, not another crazy Christian. She's going to pull out her bible on me or something. oh no, someone save me."

When that's not even who I am.

Let me just say this; I was raised reading the word of God, watching Carmen videos, listening to mostly K Love,  (i know none of my friends know what the heck that is. guys, its a radio station) and making daily visits to Family Christian Stores. Actually, looking back, the fact that I felt so close to God, was probably the best part of my childhood. That, and PBS Kids.

Then came middle school (dun dun dun) and my life seemed to get worse then. I was trying so hard to be someone that I just wasn't. And somewhere along the way, I lost my way, so to speak. I stopped listening to K Love, I stopped praying all the time. Instead, I started listening to pop radio stations that played songs with sexual lyrics. Which WAS highly inappropriate and life scarring for a 11, 12 year old Christian girl, let me tell you. Of course, neither one of my parents knew I was listening to different music, at first. I was actually talking to my mom about it the other day, and she said that she was "horrified."

Well alright, Mom.

 I can handle different lyrics and meanings now, since I'm older. So yes, I listen to rock music. I love it, it's entertaining, and it's just normal since I'm a teenager. 9 out of 10 teens listen to rock music, just in case you didn't know. It's just so fun. And a lot of the time, it's very easy to relate to.

So how am I doing today religiously? Well to be quite frank with you, that's not for you to know. It's between God and me. That's just how it works.


I'm not really your average Christian girl. I drifted away from everything religious for a long while. Until one day, I realized; I need God more than ever in this world we live in. God knows, its getting pretty insane down here.

Most, or more like all of my friends or teens I know are Atheists. I didn't really mind, until one girl I know said something against Christians. My friends were having a discussion about homosexuals, and how awful Christians have been to them. This one girl, Anne, (as if im going to use her real name) said,
"Christians literally need to burn in hell."

Awkward.

Now, these "friends" of mine had no idea that I was not one of them. I allowed them to continue expressing how they feel about Christians for a while.

And then finally, one day I say, "You guys know I'm a Christian, right?"

They were sooo embarrassed.

Then of course after that, I discovered that there is a Christian girl questionnaire. It includes questions like, "You're a Christian, so you hate gay people right?" or stuff like, "We're doing something Sunday, but you'll be in church so we assumed you couldn't go." like wow. I just can't even sometimes.


Even though I don't discriminate against religion, race, gender, or anything like that when it comes to my friendships, I soon began to long for friends who shared the same beliefs as me. I met these Christian girls who were actually around my age, thank goodness. Everything was alright at first, until I brought up a personal problem I was facing. I told one of the girls my problem. I told her that I liked two guys at the same time, and I wasn't sure which one I should go for. Do you know what she said to me? She told me that God does not think it is healthy for me to be thinking about boys at my age. And I was 15 at the time. Like what? Then why did He give me these NATURAL teenage feelings? Explain that to me. And get this, while this girl was telling how "unhealthy" it was for me to be liking boys, she was preparing to go out on a DATE.  Huh, that sure is strange...

Then we have the whole thing where they feel like its their responsibility to comfort me when they find out that my parents separated. If I'm not broken down and bawling my eyes out saying that I am not okay, then there is literally no need for you to try and give me "advice" or give me random hugs and say "I'm so sorry. I still have both my parents living with me."



 Don't treat me like a charity case, because you have just as many flaws as I do.



And the final and most prevalent topic: homosexuals. Boy, this sure is an interesting thing to talk about. Especially since I'm a Christian, everyone just assumes I hate gays.



I remember when I told one of my very best friends about my religion. She looked so threatened, at first. You know, she gave me that whole facial expression. Like, "oh no she's going to judge me and hit me in the head with a bible." then she asked me this question. At first, I thought, why is she asking me this? She asked me, "So do you hate gay people?" Literally, she said it in the most sweetest voice, like she was hoping I wasn't crazy or something. I told her that of course I didn't. And why should I?


I'm not the kind of girl to just hate someone based on their race, religion, origin, sexual orientation, whatever. I honestly like everyone, unless they try to hurt me, my friends, or family. If I have a friend that just decides to come out to me about their sexuality, I'm not going to stop being their friend just because of that. I'm not going to throw you a "yay you're gay!" party. But I totally accept you, and treat you like all my other friends. And on behalf of all the Christians, I would like to apologize for all the horrible things people have had to go through because of their sexuality. Just because some may be uncomfortable with it, doesn't mean they have to make others feel awful. Honestly, I used to not really have any feeling towards the matter, but it's really getting out of control.

And Christians, I know I might get some hate for this, but you might want to think before sending me a nasty message or something. 'Cause first off, that's cyber bullying. Second, please hear me out:





A lot of us are doing the whole Christian thing wrong. Instead of throwing stones at someone for something as simple as not going to church every Sunday, being gay, or anything else, think first. Think, is this really going to make anyone come back to your church or except Jesus into their hearts? We're supposed to be shining God's love on the world. We're supposed to be lights in darkness, not judgment people. God is the only one who should be judging. I mean, if you think about it, we're so imperfect. All of us. No matter what kind of car you drive, no matter what degree you may have, we're always going to be just cute, little silly,  mistake making, human beings. And for some reason, God loves us anyway. Even the ones who haven't found him yet. Weird, I don't even love me half the time. But He loves me all the time.



I really do wish with all my heart, that Christians would just think before they act on something. I mean, really. Just because you go to church, read your bible, and pray, doesn't mean that you have the right to look down on the people who don't. Instead, help them see how much better life would be if they were to do these things. Show them love, not hate. If you really think about it, Jesus was out there with the sinners; not in the church. He was out there with all the crazy people who were doing crazy things. He was out there with the people who no one else wanted to be bothered with. And what did He do? He showed them love. So all I'm saying is, we could do better. Okay, I feel like this has been a team meeting or something. I hope to see some improvements out there on the field. Alright, that was a lame joke, I don't know why I wrote that.

So now you have a little taste of what it's like to be like me in today's world. I really hope that someone out there someplace got something out of this post. No matter if that someone is a Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, Black,White, Asian, Hispanic, old, young, whatever.

This has been the Misadventures of the Modern Day Christian Girl

*epic theme music*

My Unpopular Opinion 2

Music. Most people love it, some people don't. While others don't really care for it. I'm a teenage fangirl so obviously, I live off of music, Tumblr and Twitter. Although, my love for music hasn't always been this strong.
I grew up listening to whatever my parents decided to play. That was always K-Love (most of you probably don't know what that is. i rest my case) or Handel's Messiah or something. So therefore, that's what I was used to. I knew that other genres of music existed; I just didn't really care for them.
Then came middle school, where I reached that point in my life where I was desperate to fit in. I saw that my peers were very interested in these extremely foreign genres called, Rap, Hip Hop, R&B, and Mainstream pop. So I figured hey, why not try to listen to the same music they do?
So being the big geek that I am, I went home and researched these genres of music. I listened to the top 10 most popular songs in each genre until I knew all the lyrics by heart. Of course, this did not help me gain any street cred at school. I was still bullied. And after all that hard work too.
But now, I was introduced to something new that I really had an interest in. Mainstream pop. I started listening to pop radio stations. I could tell that my parents were rather shocked by this, but I ignored it, of course. I was opened up to a whole new whole new world at only 12 years old. Not to mention the commercials on these radio stations advertised adults clubs.
Eventually my mom told me to stop listening to these radio stations. But by then, I was already hooked. I discovered several new artists and songs that I really liked. I got really into this new genre. Eventually, I had to take the geek thing up a notch and research the lyrics and meanings of all these songs. Once I saw how sexual most of them were I went right back to listening to ZOEGirl and TobyMac.
Today, I listen to a combination of music. I like 5 Seconds of Summer, Taylor Swift, One Direction, Paramore, OneRepublic, Coldplay, R5, 5 Seconds of Summer, and even more 5 Seconds of Summer. I also listen to artists like, ZOEGirl, (still. throwback everyday) Krystal Meyers, Britt Nicole, and DCTalk.
So I guess you could say that I am still in the loop of pop culture. I mean, I love pop culture. It's so much fun when interesting controversial things happen. For example, when an artist comes out with a new music video and everyone goes crazy over it while I'm just sitting here like, wow that music video is hella gross. Honestly, I don't even watch most music videos anymore. Music videos these days are either very provocative, or they're totally off topic. Like the song could be about eating ice cream, and the music video is of people going to the moon to eat pizza with astronaut cats.
 WHY?
And every once in a while, someone in pop culture will use their powers for good. Like my hero, Meghan Trainor has done. Who's Meghan Trainor, you may ask? She's only the singer of one of the most wonderful songs to ever come into existence, All About That Bass.
I don't know why I like that song so much. Maybe it's because I'M all about that bass.
Either way, I think that this song is one of the best things to ever happen in the history of mankind. Of course aside from the wonderful creation of 5 Seconds of Summer. (i love you calum hood. wait he plays the bass wow) I think All About That Bass is so wonderful. It's about time someone sang a song like this. On the other hand, it has upset several people. I looked at the comments on an article about the song the other day, and man. Meghan's having a hard time. All the hate in the world is channeled towards this girl. I don't have but three words to say to her.
You go girl.
Some girls are upset over this song, since the song rules in a plus sized girl's favor. I've heard girls say things like, "this song is so mean she's trying to make us feel bad because we don't have butts." or "so just because i'm skinny, no guy will ever want me?". And honestly, these girls have it totally wrong.
I listen to this song every day when I get dressed. It makes me feel happy.
All About That Bass is a very special and inspirational song. Allow me to tell you the reasons why:
It's different. It's what girls like me have been dying to hear for the longest time. In this day and age, the media glorifies skinny women. You have to be picky about your calories and only eat paper and lettuce to be considered beautiful. Which I totally hate with a passion. Society tells us all the time that you have to be slim in order for people to want to be your friend, in order for people to like you, in order for you to get a boyfriend, husband, partner or whatever. When that's not even the case. Any smart person can see that it doesn't matter about size shape, color, race or anything like that. Beautiful women come in many different forms. So Meghan's not saying that if you're skinny, you're not physically attractive. She's telling bigger girls, hey you know what? You're beautiful too.
The one line that really drew me into the song was the one that goes like this:
Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two.
I was just like YAS MEGHAN. YAS.
Then she goes on to say:
...but I can shake it, shake it like I'm supposed to do.
I feel like this means that she can be beautiful too and do her own thing even though she's not the smallest girl in the world.
And then there's this:
Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase. 
All the right junk in all the right places.
By this time, I was like I LOVE YOU GIRL. LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS.
Then there was this next little snippet, which I totally love:
I see the magazine, working that Photoshop. 
We know that sh*t ain't real. Come on now, make it stop. 
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up. 
Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.
I feel that she's saying that the media should feel ashamed of themselves making women and girls feel like they have to live up to the standards they put in front of us.  I feel that she's saying that you're beautiful anyway. Even if you don't live up these overblown expectations that society had for us.
And then here's the first part that seemed to REALLY ticked off a few people:
Yeah my mama, she told me, "Don't worry about your size." 
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night."
Okay, let's get this sorted out. WOMEN HAVE CURVES. Sorry, society, but it's true. I am aware that there are some girls out there who could be a size zero and are reading this post right now. And you should feel bad about yourself at all. I mean if you think about it, skinny girls have some curves too. And curves don't always mean you're a big girl, it just means that you're a girl. It's totally normal.

Now, I'm not a plus sized chick, but to be honest, some of the best friends I've ever had are bigger than me. And they're honestly so great. They don't monitor how much food I eat, like some of my skinnier friends do, they don't look down on me, like some of my skinner friends do. They just love me. Which is what a friend is supposed to do. Big girls deserve more than what they get, if you ask me. But just because they're a few jean sizes bigger than what society prefers, most people don't even give them a second glance. I'm not a big girl at all. I think that it's so sad how some girls gain a few pounds and then they're all, "ew i'm so fat i'm a size 9. i'm so overweight!" like no. Your view on weight is what's "ew".

Honestly, I don't know what the heck society has done, but they've literally messed up how everything is supposed to be. A lot of boys/men love curves. It's only natural, since they don't have curves. And now society is trying to make us feel bad about our big hips, breasts, or thighs. Um, I don't think so.

My point is, girls; don't you dare be ashamed of your curves. They're absolutely beautiful just like you. And don't you feel like you have to lose weight or start counting calories just to get friends or a boyfriend. Friends and boyfriends are supposed to except you for the way you are. If they don't, then they're not who you need to be around.
Meghan knows what I'm talking about. She proves it in this next line right here:
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll.
 So if that's what you're into, then go ahead and move along.
Honestly, by this part of the song, I was sobbing. I was just like YES YES YES AND YES.
Obviously, she's saying whatever, I'm not going to be so called "perfect." I'm just going to be myself. And if you don't like it, then see if I care.

God bless you, Meghan Trainor. God bless you.

This next line, is what really offended the public:
I'm bringing booty back. 
Go ahead and tell them skinny b*tches that.

Okay, okay. So many she didn't have to use the B word. I honestly don't think that word should be used against any female ever. But I see where Meghan is coming from. SOME skinny girls can be kind of mean sometimes. Not all. I said S O M E.

It's true. I speak from experience. I'm not saying that weight determines the personality of the person. I've met plenty of my few curvy girls who wanted nothing more than to kill me in my sleep. And I've met plenty of smaller girls who would warn me. Nevertheless, some "skinny" girls are always looking at what curvy girls eat. They look down their noses at us sometimes because we don't count calories, we eat carbs sometimes and we aren't picky about exercise or what we eat. For me personally, I eat when I'm hungry and I eat until I'm full. Some girls eat lettuce and only eat until they're not even halfway full. Like no, I'm not going to starve myself to get someone to like me. If I want to eat pasta, I'm going to eat pasta. If I want to eat that chocolate cupcake, I'm going to eat that chocolate cupcake. I understand that eating healthy is important; I do make sure I get plenty of protein and water. I love zucchini, I love broccoli, I love spinach. And I love salad too. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to deny myself that muffin over there. I'm just speaking from personal experience right now. So if you're think about girls who have eating disorders and thinking that I'm dissing them, I'm not. I don't have an eating disorder, this is what I've experienced, and how I feel.

I've had too many skinny girls say stuff to me like,

"Are you really going to eat that? Do you know how many calories that has? Pasta is a carb, you know. I think you should just have a small salad. That's what I'm having. You're always so hungry. Didn't you just eat? I always count my calories. I gained like 2 pounds, I'm so fat. I used to be a size 9, it was so gross and no one liked me. Why are your boobs so big? Do you stuff your bra? I'm skinny. I used to have back fat, but I don't anymore. My stomach is so flat. I know this girl who's a size 9 and she's so fat, but she thinks that she's soooo cute. You could just try working out. That wouldn't really look good on you since you have that... stomach."

Welp.

That's a mouthful. Welcome to the day in the live of me being pounded about my weight. :)

To be honest, if I ever do end up being "skinny", I won't say mean things to other girls who are bigger than me. I won't look down my nose at them. Because size is not what makes you better than someone else. Neither do looks, status, or money. At the end of the day, inner beauty is all that matters. If someone has a beautiful heart, it will radiate from the inside out. The fact that someone's skinny, or rich, or physically attractive doesn't mean a thing if they're not beautiful on the inside.
But no matter what size you are; size zero, size 9, size 20w, size whatever. Always remember you're perfect. Perfectly you.

Wings...

I log into my profile after a long day of writing and blogging. The first thing I see on my home page is a new photo album of all of my “friends” at a party. I wasn’t aware of this party. Nevertheless, I like the picture anyway to try and convince myself that it doesn’t hurt me on the inside. I then go and check my messages; nothing new. My inbox has been completely dry for the last 4 months. Is it me? Maybe I did something. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe everyone just doesn’t like me as much as I thought they did. Maybe I have social anxiety. Truth is; it’s a forever changing mystery.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been this really happy social butterfly. Big colorful wings and all. I loved meeting new people, making new friends and going around others. School was one of my most favorite things ever. I couldn’t understand why some of my classmates didn’t like it.

Until one day, everything changed.

The bullying started.

Believe it or not, it took me quite a while to figure out that certain kids in my class were bullying me. I just thought they were just picking on me for being different. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

Over the years, the bullying got worse and worse. By the time I was in fourth grade, I was more than ready to die. I couldn’t stand the thought of getting up to go to school in the morning. I hated the fact that no matter what the teachers did, no matter how much I cried, they wouldn’t stop.  I hated that even the principal couldn’t help me. I felt like I was in a prison. Once, I went to go cry to my teacher. I told her to help me in any way she could. I told her that I just didn’t “want to be here” anymore. She told me to ignore them. She told me to stay away from them. Little pointer for all the teachers out there; staying away and ignoring, only makes it all the worse.

 Before I knew it, the bullies had clipped me of my wings. I couldn’t fly anymore. I became afraid to socialize, make new friends and meet new people. I figured that it was just another opportunity to get bullied even more. Not to mention that for some odd reason, most everyone I knew seemed to be embarrassed to talk to me at school, and in public. I was treated like a virus, a disease, a sickness. And once you’re treated like you’re worthless for a while, you start thinking to yourself; maybe I am worthless. Maybe everything will be better if I just left.

Looking back, I think 7^th grade was really the height of it all. There was one day that really stood out for me. It was the day that someone whom I thought was my friend, betrayed me. It seemed like a small thing, but it really was the last straw for me. The main mean girl in my life, let’s call her Cindy, saw this friend and I get into an argument. Cindy quickly swooped in and took my friend’s side. I’m sure Cindy was more than delighted that my friend was finally betraying me. It was the answer to her prayers. I sat alone in every class for the rest of the day.

When I got home that day, I couldn’t do my homework. I couldn’t think to change out of my school uniform. All I could think about was how calming it would be to take my own life. I remember sitting there on my bedroom floor, on my knees, bawling my eyes out, quietly. We only had one car back then. So my mom had to pick up my dad from work. As soon as I heard her drive away, the thoughts got worse. I remember thinking to myself, “Just get it over with while mom’s gone.” I had everything figured out in my head. My older brother was in his bedroom with the door closed. Perfect. I grew up a Christian, so I knew that after it was all over, I would be in heaven. Even though, I admit now that I kind of gave God the cold shoulder since he was allowing my peers to torture me every single day. I pulled out my phone, thinking that maybe music would make my last moments more peaceful or something. I don’t know, I was like 12. My music was on shuffle, which is something I didn’t normally do, but I didn’t care about something like that right then. I pulled out my diary and ripped out a piece of notebook paper. I grabbed my favorite purple ink pen out of the side of my backpack. I began writing furiously in big letters, my suicide note. I remember writing out what kind of a funereal I wanted, and everything. I wanted a small service, nothing too special, since I figured that I wasn’t very special. After I was finished writing, I folded my note and placed it on the edge of my bed, along with my phone. That’s when this song came on that I had never really listened to before. I let it play, since I was still way too busy crying. But over all the crying, I heard the lyrics.

Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of
Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away

Night after night, always trying to decide
Are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd
Do you take a chance or stay invisible?

But I won't let you fall
I'll see you, through them all
And I just wanna let you know

Oh, when the lights go down in the city
You'll be right there, shining bright
You're a star and the sky's the limit
And I'll be right by your side
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me
Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible

For some reason, this made me think of my mom. It made the picture how heartbroken she would be if she came home to find out that I had taken my own life. I thought about my brother. He wouldn’t have a little sister to bother all the time. And I thought about my dad. I wouldn’t be his little girl anymore. That’s when I knew that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt my family. Because even though it didn’t seem like it at the time, I knew deep down inside that they would care. I knew that they did care. And I knew that if I just held on, that things would get better in time.

And they did.

Now, I’m in high school. Well, for the most part. I’m home schooled. Which I think is just fantastic. That means that I have more time to write things like this. I have more time to help other girls who are still being bullied today. These days, I feel freer to explore who I am. I know that all teenagers go through this, but I feel like sometimes, it can be harder for teens that have/are suffered/suffering from bullying. I can’t stand to know that there are still teens out there that are still living the kind of life I used to live. Self harming, being tortured and teased daily, having suicidal thoughts. I know that I’m just one person; I know that I can’t reach everyone. There are a few teens that have died over the last year or so since I started giving advice, writing and blogging. Sometimes, I feel like my work is just gone to waste, like no one sees it or gets anything out of it. But then, every once in a while, there’s that one girl, that one boy, who I will talk to. I’ve talked teens out of suicide before, which feels great. I’ve even helped with some of the smaller everyday problems like what to do when you like a boy whom you can’t read. A lot of different things.

As for the friend part, I can’t really say that I have any steady friendships yet. I’ve had several more betrayals, misunderstandings, jealously, sabotage, betrayals, and even more betrayals. But you know what? I think that’s just a part of this whole "being a teenager" thing. I guess I like my life right now. It’s a long process, but it's getting a little better each day. And somehow, I'm not afraid anymore.

Somehow after all this time,

I got a new pair of wings.

My Unpopular Opinion

How do you get your hair like that? Can I touch it? What kind of make up do you use? Why can't you eat that? Everyone else is doing it, why aren't you? Is it against your religion? What school do you go to? What's it's like being home schooled? You must not have any friends, huh? Let me give you my daughter's number. You must be so lonely. You're home schooled so you stay in the house all day. You don't understand, you're home schooled. What college do you want to go to?
These are just a few of the questions and statements that I get asked on a daily basis. At first, I got really bothered when someone asked me a question about what I eat, about my education or my religion, but I've learned to just live with it. Now, I have all the answers to those questions all filed away in my brain so if anyone wants to know, I can just pull it out.
Many different people ask me these questions. Not just my peers, but adults. (Heck, most of the people I talk to are adults. Literally, I am surrounded by adults. It's like I have at least 4 different versions of my mom watching me on the internet. But ily guys, I really do) Most of the adults ask me about my education. Sometimes when I tell them I am home schooled, they give me a look, or even a grunt of disapproval, which used to hurt my feelings, but now I really don't care. I know my mom is giving me a good education.
Then we have my peers. (Oh boy) Sometimes I like other teenagers, sometimes I don't. Call me anti-social, arrogant, or whatever you want but that's just how I feel. It's really rare when I actually meet someone around my age that I actually like and can have a normal conversation with. I'm 15 and I feel like I'm 40 something. I feel more comfortable talking to adults than I do with my peers. It's weird, I know. That's just because I'm used to hanging around adults. I'm really close with my mom and she has cool friends so I used to hang out with them sometimes. And then when I came back around people my age, I felt like I was around 2nd graders. And of course, they ask me questions too. There's always the curiosity and the marveling of my hair. (There will be a hair rant later because omg there's so much on that topic. brb, headache) Then we have the question about my religion which always eventually comes up, since most teenagers these days are atheists or Buddhist and I am a Christian. There's the big "Christians are awful" parade, which I've also surprisingly learned to live with. And there is also the whole, "Why aren't you dancing? Don't you like this song?" thing. Okay, let's be clear: I love dancing. I'm not the best dancer, but who cares? Dancing is fun. Nevertheless, sometimes a song might come on that I don't feel comfortable dancing to. I don't want to dance to a song where all the artist is singing about is what goes on during a one night stand or hookup up with someone at the club. I don't know, those sorts of things bother me. Oh, and those songs where all artist does is sing or rap about a girl's body? That's a big no. Totally annoying and hashtag superficial. For example, Wiggle by Jason Derulo. I only had to hear like 15 seconds of the song before I was offended. Just saying. If you haven't heard that song, you really don't want to hear it. Trust me. It's just no. I don't even want to discuss it.
But the thing is, most of my peers actually like this stuff. At first I found it hard to believe, but now, I actually expect everyone around me to like the most disturbing of things. Okay, so let me just go ahead and say this, just so we're clear: I don't like my generation.
Sorry, not sorry.
Part of me does, and another part of me doesn't. I feel like I was born at the wrong time or something. Can it be the 50's again? Okay so if you're a teenager reading this, it's not like I don't like YOU. It's just that I don't like some of the things that we're being exposed to, you know?
 Sometimes when I look at music videos, or go on Twitter or Facebook, I just begin to feel slightly ashamed and or bothered by the things I see. It seems like everything good eventually turns to the bad side. For example, there is this girl group that I used to like. They appeared to be very innocent and fun, and I loved their sound. And lately, they came out with a new single. I felt a little shaky about it since I saw the album art first. They were wearing less clothing than usual, but I ignored it. Then a few days after the song was released, the music video came out. And let's just say that I was very disappointed with the video. I know that it's not their fault and that the director of the video and their management or whatever made them do it, but come on. Can't there be some appropriateness in this world? They were hardly wearing any clothes at all. They were wearing "shorts" which looked like they were just underwear to me, to be honest. And to make it worse, they're all girls of color. Okay, now I know you're probably thinking, "Here we go again, another black girl going on about how black people have it harder than everyone else." but that's not the case. In this girl group, there are girls of different races. In the music video, I of course noticed that the black girl was front and center while they were so called dancing. And this was the kind of dancing that was very provocative and sexual and just not good for a girl group that minors watch and look up to. It was just the most awful thing I've seen in a while. Frankly, most of their fans loved it. I looked on their Facebook page and saw all the comments that their fans were posting. They were quoting the song's lyrics with smiley faces and saying stuff like this:

 They were also saying how talented they were in the video. Okay so it's considered a talented to nearly strip dance on a video that thousands upon thousands of people are going to watch? No, I don't think so. Literally, everywhere I look now, the music video is there taunting me. I love this girl group, (or I did) but the music video upsets me. It's so sad. I literally wanted to cry when I saw it. Thankfully there was one person who noticed something. Only ONE out of millions.

I do understand that in the entertainment business, some people do crazy or wild things to get more people talking about them. But I think that this is just unacceptable. It's not good at all. I almost wanted to cry when this happened. Literally, everyone in the music business, and all the actors and everyone eventually start doing raunchy things. For example, when a certain boy band went from singing about what makes you beautiful, to "tonight let's get some." and "why don't we go there?". It's just wrong. Over the years, I've just learned to stop liking particular bands or singing groups so much, because they will disappoint you. If you're too hung up on someone, they WILL let you down. It's okay, they're only human, just like you and me. But what I can't stand is all these teenagers looking up to all these people doing all these awful things, and then copying them. Everyone seems to have a celebrity role model that they follow. If their role model gets their hair cut a certain way, they have to get their hair cut that way too. Their role model decides it's cool to take selfies throwing up gang signs and middle fingers, so they think it's cool too. Their role model wakes up one morning and says, "Hey, drugs and alcohol are cool." so their admirers start to drink and take drugs.
I look up to certain people too. A few are celebrities, yes. But just because you like someone for the songs they sing or the movies they play in, doesn't mean you have to do whatever they do. And I know it's not just me who feels this way. There are other girls who are tired of seeing their favorite singers pole dance for millions of people at a time. There are other girls out there who want to do something different, something that will actually help other people or make a difference. There are other girls out there who actually respect themselves and their bodies and know that they are valuable and important. There are other girls out there who feel uncomfortable with this. The question is, are you one of these girls?
If so, you're my new best friend.
And if you're not one of these of girls, then your negative comments will not shake my unpopular opinion.

Labels & Stereotypes

You know what's really annoying? Labels.
They follow you around and stick to you like some sort of disease or leech. And no matter what you do, no matter where you go, there they are. Torturing you, making you feel lesser than, and keeping you held down. I'm not sure why, but at one point in my life, I thought that I could escape labels and stereotypes. I thought that I could make it through this life as just a normal girl with no problems.
Boy, was I wrong.
Being in middle school sucks for everyone. You're trying to figure out who you are, you have more responsibilities and you're just confused, but don't even realize it yet. Too bad no one gives you a warning or a "How to Survive Middle School: AKA 3 Years of Endless Torture" handbook. It's just like you step out onto a battlefield without any armor, or any type of weapon to defend yourself. You'd think that since everyone is going through a weird time, they would be understanding. Ha. No, that's not how it works. Spoiler Alert: Middle schoolers are the most evil beings on the planet. I walked in on the first day of 6th grade thinking that I was going to make a ton of new friends, have awesome grades, amazing and helpful teachers and all the good stuff every kid hopes for at the beginning of the school year. But instead I got bullied, I became suicidal, I worked my butt off trying to fit in (it didn't work by the way), and I asked the teachers for help, and they tried to drown me too. And I went through all of this because why? Labels. Stereotypes. They didn't like the way I talked, they didn't like the way I walked. They didn't like the way I carried myself. They didn't like the fact that they couldn't be me. And frankly, back then, I didn't like myself so I just let them tear me down and burn me at the stake. I didn't care. I did after all hate myself.


Let's see, what were my labels? Oh I remember; "The Proper Talking Black Girl" and "The Girl Who Thinks She's Better Than Everyone Else" and then there was "The Wanna Be White Girl" and "The Weird Girl In The Corner With The Book" oh and "The Quiet One".
I could literally go on and on. Of course, after I got pulled out of the public school system, I thought that the labels would go away. I thought that I would be set free from them. But labels are sticky and impossible to get rid of. They don't even give you the chance to breathe.
Before I knew it, new labels had latched onto me.
Let's list those, shall we?

The Black Girl (the force is strong with this one)
The Girl With Emotional Problems
The Boy Crazy Girl
The Girl Who's Home Schooled
The Wanna Be White Girl (this has been with me my whole life and i wish it would leave but)
The Hyper Girl (for when i get excited)
The Girl With Family Problems
Another Black Girl With No Father (when i actually hang out with my dad a lot...awks)
The Pretty Girl (so people assume i'm stupid and conceited)
Another Pitiful Teenager With A Single Parent (free stuff doesn't help by the way)
And this is my favorite one guys...

THE CHRISTIAN GIRL.

Who knew so many stereotypes could be attached to one person? And who knew that these little suckers could get your feelings hurt or make you feel so insecure. I can only imagine how many  stereotypes you have. You can totally comment them down below if you want. 'Cause I know I'm not the only one dealing with this.

Stereotypes are just one of the not so good things about being a human being.

And each one has a list of things that people assume match up with you. Like since I have The Black Girl stereotype, people assume all I do is watch/play basketball, (i'm actually so scared of the ball and i just figured out how the game is played like last year) eat fried chicken, get a weave, get my nails done, twerk, (oh wait, everyone does that now) cuss out everyone, and listen to rap music.


And the Christian Girl stereotype includes; people assuming that you're uptight, people assuming you can't do anything because you actually have a religion, people assuming that you hate homosexuals and people of other religions, and yeah people just assume you're awful. Oh and my other favorite, The Home Schooled Girl. When you're home schooled, people of course assume that you don't get out much. They assume that you're a little genius (that's not so bad though) that stays locked away in your house and doesn't know how to socialize. Let me just say in the defense of me and all the other home schoolers out there, that's nowhere near true. I'm so busy ever since I started home schooling. There are parties, proms, sports teams, we've got it made. I'm having more fun than I did when I was in public school. There are more options, and plus, colleges love home schooled kids. So sometimes you can just casually take free college classes before you even graduate. The possibility of friends is like unlimited. I've met so many interesting people through being home schooled. Everything's not all fine and dandy, though. You still have teenage drama and stuff as you would with a regular public school. I guess there's no way to escape that. (sighs)




Life for me is actually pretty good for me right now. Of course every once in a while, someone will ask me if I like rap music, kool-aid, or if I hate homosexuals, but I don't blame them. That's just the stereotypes talking.


Each time I'm around people, I feel like I have to prove to them that I don't add up to these stereotypes that society created. I have to prove that I'm not stupid, that just because I'm a Christian doesn't mean I look down on everyone who isn't, that my hair is real, that I'm smart, that I have friends, and so on and so forth.

But you know what? I'm so tired of having to try and prove myself to people. No one should have to work so hard to get the stereotypes out of people's heads. So I've decided from this moment on that I will stop trying to prove myself. I don't care if I get stereotypical questions from every other person I talk to. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and in the end, that's all that matters. Who cares about labels and stereotypes? They shouldn't run your life or mess with the way you see other people.

So don't let them.

How to Deal: Insecurities

There are plenty of joys of being a teenage girl. Your parents give you a little more freedom, you can get your driver's license, and you can even go out on dates.
Ever since I was a little girl, I was totally hooked on the idea of being a teenager. I literally couldn't wait. I got an early subscription to J-14 magazine. I had everything all planned out; my parents would buy me a cute pastel pink car; I would be the most popular girl in school, and the captain of the basketball team would be my long term boyfriend. But I soon found out that not everything can go your way.
One thing J-14 didn't warn me about was all of the insecurities that come along with being a teenage girl. All of a sudden, I started hating myself for no reason. I started obsessing over what I was going to wear, how my hair would look and what kind of make up I would use. And most of all, I started to care too much about what people thought about me. When I turned 13, it's like my life magically became harder.
I was bullied and teased through elementary and middle school mostly for the way I looked so I understand the feeling of insecurity quite well. I wasn't very good at fitting in or following trends. Neither was I good at keeping up with pop culture since I grew up in a house speaking German and French and listening to Classical music. I was different. And when you're different, people feel uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean you have to change yourself.
When you feel insecure, you start to question yourself. You start considering dressing like everyone else, talking like everyone else and leaving your old self behind just to fit in and feel better about yourself. But believe me, changing yourself is never the answer. You are one special person. Yes you, the person reading this. It doesn't matter how much you weigh, where you buy your clothes, what kind of music you like, the color of your skin, or anything for that matter. If you get nothing else out of this, I want you to know that, okay? Okay.

For my fellow teenage girls reading this, here are a few little things you can do to make you feel better about yourself everyday:

Pamper Yourself
It's more than okay to take some time for yourself every once in a while. Make yourself a bubble bath with scented candles, have a cup of warm tea, (green tea is the bae) or buy a new nail color and paint your nails. Make sure you turn off your phone while pampering so you can have all of your focus on you. Because you're amazing and worth the time. You can answer that cute guy you met at your friend's party later.

Make a Happy Playlist

I personally think that a happy playlist is something everyone should have. I have at least two! A happy playlist is nothing more than a playlist of your favorite happy songs that make you feel awesome about yourself. Here are a few songs from one of mine:

What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction
24/Seven by Big Time Rush
Wings by Little Mix
Headphones by Britt Nicole
Roar by Katy Perry

Encourage Yourself
As silly as it sounds, positive words can go a long way. Especially when you speak them out loud. Get in your mirror and say some nice things to yourself. Here are a few things I say:

"I'm perfectly me, and no one can change that."
"I am beautiful just the way I am. My so called flaws are what make me...me!"
"I like myself. And if someone else doesn't like me, then they need some serious help."

I really hope that you got something out of reading this post. I'm here to serve. ^-^

And always remember. You're perfect.

Perfectly you.

Haters...

I remember what it was like to be an innocent little girl. All I cared about was Sesame Street, catching butterflies, (which I never mastered) and reading picture books. Everything was so simple back then. Isn't it interesting how things change so quickly? I never thought that growing up would be half as difficult as it has been. I thought that everyone would want to be my friend and I would be the most well liked girl in school. I thought that everyone would like me for the way I was. But not everything can go your way.
That innocent little girl who loved nature and picture books, has finally grown up. And it's strange when I really think about how much I've changed.
After going through the torturous years of elementary and middle school, I feel like I've learned a few things. First off, not EVERYONE is going to like you. Some people might become jealous of you. Even the ones who you thought were your friends. It's true. Sometimes people decide to hate you for no reason in particular. It feels like one morning, someone you don't even really know wakes up and says, "I'm going to hate such-n-so's guts today." It's not fair, but that's just the way things are.
I would know. I suffered so much when I was in public school. Even when I transfered to a charter school, things got worse. I was bullied for no reason, treated like trash, and I got told that I was ugly and worthless every week. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself. Nevertheless, I am so thankful that I didn't.
Everything happens for a reason. It may not make sense right away, but everything comes together. Since I was bullied for so long, (7 school years to be exact) I realize that now I am called to help other girls. Not just with the whole bullying sitch, but everything. Everything from boys, to school, to parents. Because even though I'm only 15, I know some stuff. And I want to share as much as I can with my peers and anyone else who wants to listen.
If you're wondering how things turned out, I'm home schooled now. I have great friends
Still, I run over a few bumps in the road on the way to becoming myself. People still sometimes hate me for no reason, people still try to hurt me. But you know what? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So thank you to all the horrible people who hate me for being myself, or just existing in general. You've helped to make me into the girl I am today. I love you guys.
Eventually you will realize that the people who dislike you, are just upset because they can't be like you. Insecurity is the worst. But don't let that stop you from being you. Because you know what? You're awesome.
This will be my daily blog. Check back here daily for new advice columns, random reviews, and more. Feel free to send me questions about anything you'd like. Comments too! I'd love to hear from you. Just send me a shout out at christinag@handleyourbusinessgirl.com.

 And always remember...
You're perfect. Perfectly you.