Saturday, October 4, 2014

My Unpopular Opinion 2

Music. Most people love it, some people don't. While others don't really care for it. I'm a teenage fangirl so obviously, I live off of music, Tumblr and Twitter. Although, my love for music hasn't always been this strong.
I grew up listening to whatever my parents decided to play. That was always K-Love (most of you probably don't know what that is. i rest my case) or Handel's Messiah or something. So therefore, that's what I was used to. I knew that other genres of music existed; I just didn't really care for them.
Then came middle school, where I reached that point in my life where I was desperate to fit in. I saw that my peers were very interested in these extremely foreign genres called, Rap, Hip Hop, R&B, and Mainstream pop. So I figured hey, why not try to listen to the same music they do?
So being the big geek that I am, I went home and researched these genres of music. I listened to the top 10 most popular songs in each genre until I knew all the lyrics by heart. Of course, this did not help me gain any street cred at school. I was still bullied. And after all that hard work too.
But now, I was introduced to something new that I really had an interest in. Mainstream pop. I started listening to pop radio stations. I could tell that my parents were rather shocked by this, but I ignored it, of course. I was opened up to a whole new whole new world at only 12 years old. Not to mention the commercials on these radio stations advertised adults clubs.
Eventually my mom told me to stop listening to these radio stations. But by then, I was already hooked. I discovered several new artists and songs that I really liked. I got really into this new genre. Eventually, I had to take the geek thing up a notch and research the lyrics and meanings of all these songs. Once I saw how sexual most of them were I went right back to listening to ZOEGirl and TobyMac.
Today, I listen to a combination of music. I like 5 Seconds of Summer, Taylor Swift, One Direction, Paramore, OneRepublic, Coldplay, R5, 5 Seconds of Summer, and even more 5 Seconds of Summer. I also listen to artists like, ZOEGirl, (still. throwback everyday) Krystal Meyers, Britt Nicole, and DCTalk.
So I guess you could say that I am still in the loop of pop culture. I mean, I love pop culture. It's so much fun when interesting controversial things happen. For example, when an artist comes out with a new music video and everyone goes crazy over it while I'm just sitting here like, wow that music video is hella gross. Honestly, I don't even watch most music videos anymore. Music videos these days are either very provocative, or they're totally off topic. Like the song could be about eating ice cream, and the music video is of people going to the moon to eat pizza with astronaut cats.
And every once in a while, someone in pop culture will use their powers for good. Like my hero, Meghan Trainor has done. Who's Meghan Trainor, you may ask? She's only the singer of one of the most wonderful songs to ever come into existence, All About That Bass.
I don't know why I like that song so much. Maybe it's because I'M all about that bass.
Either way, I think that this song is one of the best things to ever happen in the history of mankind. Of course aside from the wonderful creation of 5 Seconds of Summer. (i love you calum hood. wait he plays the bass wow) I think All About That Bass is so wonderful. It's about time someone sang a song like this. On the other hand, it has upset several people. I looked at the comments on an article about the song the other day, and man. Meghan's having a hard time. All the hate in the world is channeled towards this girl. I don't have but three words to say to her.
You go girl.
Some girls are upset over this song, since the song rules in a plus sized girl's favor. I've heard girls say things like, "this song is so mean she's trying to make us feel bad because we don't have butts." or "so just because i'm skinny, no guy will ever want me?". And honestly, these girls have it totally wrong.
I listen to this song every day when I get dressed. It makes me feel happy.
All About That Bass is a very special and inspirational song. Allow me to tell you the reasons why:
It's different. It's what girls like me have been dying to hear for the longest time. In this day and age, the media glorifies skinny women. You have to be picky about your calories and only eat paper and lettuce to be considered beautiful. Which I totally hate with a passion. Society tells us all the time that you have to be slim in order for people to want to be your friend, in order for people to like you, in order for you to get a boyfriend, husband, partner or whatever. When that's not even the case. Any smart person can see that it doesn't matter about size shape, color, race or anything like that. Beautiful women come in many different forms. So Meghan's not saying that if you're skinny, you're not physically attractive. She's telling bigger girls, hey you know what? You're beautiful too.
The one line that really drew me into the song was the one that goes like this:
Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two.
I was just like YAS MEGHAN. YAS.
Then she goes on to say:
...but I can shake it, shake it like I'm supposed to do.
I feel like this means that she can be beautiful too and do her own thing even though she's not the smallest girl in the world.
And then there's this:
Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase. 
All the right junk in all the right places.
By this time, I was like I LOVE YOU GIRL. LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS.
Then there was this next little snippet, which I totally love:
I see the magazine, working that Photoshop. 
We know that sh*t ain't real. Come on now, make it stop. 
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up. 
Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.
I feel that she's saying that the media should feel ashamed of themselves making women and girls feel like they have to live up to the standards they put in front of us.  I feel that she's saying that you're beautiful anyway. Even if you don't live up these overblown expectations that society had for us.
And then here's the first part that seemed to REALLY ticked off a few people:
Yeah my mama, she told me, "Don't worry about your size." 
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night."
Okay, let's get this sorted out. WOMEN HAVE CURVES. Sorry, society, but it's true. I am aware that there are some girls out there who could be a size zero and are reading this post right now. And you should feel bad about yourself at all. I mean if you think about it, skinny girls have some curves too. And curves don't always mean you're a big girl, it just means that you're a girl. It's totally normal.

Now, I'm not a plus sized chick, but to be honest, some of the best friends I've ever had are bigger than me. And they're honestly so great. They don't monitor how much food I eat, like some of my skinnier friends do, they don't look down on me, like some of my skinner friends do. They just love me. Which is what a friend is supposed to do. Big girls deserve more than what they get, if you ask me. But just because they're a few jean sizes bigger than what society prefers, most people don't even give them a second glance. I'm not a big girl at all. I think that it's so sad how some girls gain a few pounds and then they're all, "ew i'm so fat i'm a size 9. i'm so overweight!" like no. Your view on weight is what's "ew".

Honestly, I don't know what the heck society has done, but they've literally messed up how everything is supposed to be. A lot of boys/men love curves. It's only natural, since they don't have curves. And now society is trying to make us feel bad about our big hips, breasts, or thighs. Um, I don't think so.

My point is, girls; don't you dare be ashamed of your curves. They're absolutely beautiful just like you. And don't you feel like you have to lose weight or start counting calories just to get friends or a boyfriend. Friends and boyfriends are supposed to except you for the way you are. If they don't, then they're not who you need to be around.
Meghan knows what I'm talking about. She proves it in this next line right here:
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll.
 So if that's what you're into, then go ahead and move along.
Honestly, by this part of the song, I was sobbing. I was just like YES YES YES AND YES.
Obviously, she's saying whatever, I'm not going to be so called "perfect." I'm just going to be myself. And if you don't like it, then see if I care.

God bless you, Meghan Trainor. God bless you.

This next line, is what really offended the public:
I'm bringing booty back. 
Go ahead and tell them skinny b*tches that.

Okay, okay. So many she didn't have to use the B word. I honestly don't think that word should be used against any female ever. But I see where Meghan is coming from. SOME skinny girls can be kind of mean sometimes. Not all. I said S O M E.

It's true. I speak from experience. I'm not saying that weight determines the personality of the person. I've met plenty of my few curvy girls who wanted nothing more than to kill me in my sleep. And I've met plenty of smaller girls who would warn me. Nevertheless, some "skinny" girls are always looking at what curvy girls eat. They look down their noses at us sometimes because we don't count calories, we eat carbs sometimes and we aren't picky about exercise or what we eat. For me personally, I eat when I'm hungry and I eat until I'm full. Some girls eat lettuce and only eat until they're not even halfway full. Like no, I'm not going to starve myself to get someone to like me. If I want to eat pasta, I'm going to eat pasta. If I want to eat that chocolate cupcake, I'm going to eat that chocolate cupcake. I understand that eating healthy is important; I do make sure I get plenty of protein and water. I love zucchini, I love broccoli, I love spinach. And I love salad too. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to deny myself that muffin over there. I'm just speaking from personal experience right now. So if you're think about girls who have eating disorders and thinking that I'm dissing them, I'm not. I don't have an eating disorder, this is what I've experienced, and how I feel.

I've had too many skinny girls say stuff to me like,

"Are you really going to eat that? Do you know how many calories that has? Pasta is a carb, you know. I think you should just have a small salad. That's what I'm having. You're always so hungry. Didn't you just eat? I always count my calories. I gained like 2 pounds, I'm so fat. I used to be a size 9, it was so gross and no one liked me. Why are your boobs so big? Do you stuff your bra? I'm skinny. I used to have back fat, but I don't anymore. My stomach is so flat. I know this girl who's a size 9 and she's so fat, but she thinks that she's soooo cute. You could just try working out. That wouldn't really look good on you since you have that... stomach."


That's a mouthful. Welcome to the day in the live of me being pounded about my weight. :)

To be honest, if I ever do end up being "skinny", I won't say mean things to other girls who are bigger than me. I won't look down my nose at them. Because size is not what makes you better than someone else. Neither do looks, status, or money. At the end of the day, inner beauty is all that matters. If someone has a beautiful heart, it will radiate from the inside out. The fact that someone's skinny, or rich, or physically attractive doesn't mean a thing if they're not beautiful on the inside.
But no matter what size you are; size zero, size 9, size 20w, size whatever. Always remember you're perfect. Perfectly you.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


I log into my profile after a long day of writing and blogging. The first thing I see on my home page is a new photo album of all of my “friends” at a party. I wasn’t aware of this party. Nevertheless, I like the picture anyway to try and convince myself that it doesn’t hurt me on the inside. I then go and check my messages; nothing new. My inbox has been completely dry for the last 4 months. Is it me? Maybe I did something. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe everyone just doesn’t like me as much as I thought they did. Maybe I have social anxiety. Truth is; it’s a forever changing mystery.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been this really happy social butterfly. Big colorful wings and all. I loved meeting new people, making new friends and going around others. School was one of my most favorite things ever. I couldn’t understand why some of my classmates didn’t like it.

Until one day, everything changed.

The bullying started.

Believe it or not, it took me quite a while to figure out that certain kids in my class were bullying me. I just thought they were just picking on me for being different. No big deal, right?


Over the years, the bullying got worse and worse. By the time I was in fourth grade, I was more than ready to die. I couldn’t stand the thought of getting up to go to school in the morning. I hated the fact that no matter what the teachers did, no matter how much I cried, they wouldn’t stop.  I hated that even the principal couldn’t help me. I felt like I was in a prison. Once, I went to go cry to my teacher. I told her to help me in any way she could. I told her that I just didn’t “want to be here” anymore. She told me to ignore them. She told me to stay away from them. Little pointer for all the teachers out there; staying away and ignoring, only makes it all the worse.

 Before I knew it, the bullies had clipped me of my wings. I couldn’t fly anymore. I became afraid to socialize, make new friends and meet new people. I figured that it was just another opportunity to get bullied even more. Not to mention that for some odd reason, most everyone I knew seemed to be embarrassed to talk to me at school, and in public. I was treated like a virus, a disease, a sickness. And once you’re treated like you’re worthless for a while, you start thinking to yourself; maybe I am worthless. Maybe everything will be better if I just left.

Looking back, I think 7th grade was really the height of it all. There was one day that really stood out for me. It was the day that someone whom I thought was my friend, betrayed me. It seemed like a small thing, but it really was the last straw for me. The main mean girl in my life, let’s call her Cindy, saw this friend and I get into an argument. Cindy quickly swooped in and took my friend’s side. I’m sure Cindy was more than delighted that my friend was finally betraying me. It was the answer to her prayers. I sat alone in every class for the rest of the day.

When I got home that day, I couldn’t do my homework. I couldn’t think to change out of my school uniform. All I could think about was how calming it would be to take my own life. I remember sitting there on my bedroom floor, on my knees, bawling my eyes out, quietly. We only had one car back then. So my mom had to pick up my dad from work. As soon as I heard her drive away, the thoughts got worse. I remember thinking to myself, “Just get it over with while mom’s gone.” I had everything figured out in my head. My older brother was in his bedroom with the door closed. Perfect. I grew up a Christian, so I knew that after it was all over, I would be in heaven. Even though, I admit now that I kind of gave God the cold shoulder since he was allowing my peers to torture me every single day. I pulled out my phone, thinking that maybe music would make my last moments more peaceful or something. I don’t know, I was like 12. My music was on shuffle, which is something I didn’t normally do, but I didn’t care about something like that right then. I pulled out my diary and ripped out a piece of notebook paper. I grabbed my favorite purple ink pen out of the side of my backpack. I began writing furiously in big letters, my suicide note. I remember writing out what kind of a funereal I wanted, and everything. I wanted a small service, nothing too special, since I figured that I wasn’t very special. After I was finished writing, I folded my note and placed it on the edge of my bed, along with my phone. That’s when this song came on that I had never really listened to before. I let it play, since I was still way too busy crying. But over all the crying, I heard the lyrics.

Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of
Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away

Night after night, always trying to decide
Are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd
Do you take a chance or stay invisible?

But I won't let you fall
I'll see you, through them all
And I just wanna let you know

Oh, when the lights go down in the city
You'll be right there, shining bright
You're a star and the sky's the limit
And I'll be right by your side
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me
Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible

For some reason, this made me think of my mom. It made the picture how heartbroken she would be if she came home to find out that I had taken my own life. I thought about my brother. He wouldn’t have a little sister to bother all the time. And I thought about my dad. I wouldn’t be his little girl anymore. That’s when I knew that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt my family. Because even though it didn’t seem like it at the time, I knew deep down inside that they would care. I knew that they did care. And I knew that if I just held on, that things would get better in time.

And they did.

Now, I’m in high school. Well, for the most part. I’m home schooled. Which I think is just fantastic. That means that I have more time to write things like this. I have more time to help other girls who are still being bullied today. These days, I feel freer to explore who I am. I know that all teenagers go through this, but I feel like sometimes, it can be harder for teens that have/are suffered/suffering from bullying. I can’t stand to know that there are still teens out there that are still living the kind of life I used to live. Self harming, being tortured and teased daily, having suicidal thoughts. I know that I’m just one person; I know that I can’t reach everyone. There are a few teens that have died over the last year or so since I started giving advice, writing and blogging. Sometimes, I feel like my work is just gone to waste, like no one sees it or gets anything out of it. But then, every once in a while, there’s that one girl, that one boy, who I will talk to. I’ve talked teens out of suicide before, which feels great. I’ve even helped with some of the smaller everyday problems like what to do when you like a boy whom you can’t read. A lot of different things.

As for the friend part, I can’t really say that I have any steady friendships yet. I’ve had several more betrayals, misunderstandings, jealously, sabotage, betrayals, and even more betrayals. But you know what? I think that’s just a part of this whole "being a teenager" thing. I guess I like my life right now. It’s a long process, but it's getting a little better each day. And somehow, I'm not afraid anymore.

Somehow after all this time,

I got a new pair of wings.